sometimes you just don’t know if they will be there tomorrow….

26 Jun

The reason I haven’t been posting much is because my grandpa is in the hospital.  I just haven’t felt motivated to talk about much of anything.

In my post last week (on 6-18 ) I said that he was in a hospital out of state with pneumonia, and that he was released from that hospital and was coming home.  Well he got home but was only home for a day or two before he was back in the hospital.  His pneumonia had gotten worse, and he was having trouble breathing because he had fluid in his lungs.  Since then he has been up and down.  One day he’s pretty good and joking around, then the next he’s almost at death’s door.
Yesterday was really scary.  They gave him a medication that caused him to hallucinate and get alot worse.  It was really touch and go for a while.  But after they found out what was causing it, they stopped those meds and he slowly started to get better.  But it took a while for him to show real improvement.  By the time my mom left the hospital at 10pm he was back to his normal self.

He’s the first person that I’m really close to that is in the hospital.  I’ve had other people I know go in the hospital, but most of them were friends of my mom, or relatives I don’t know all that well.  But now it’s someone I really care about.

I feel so helpless.  I’m 2 hours away, so I can’t just pop in there to see how he’s doing.  My boss has been really understanding, and told me if I needed to go that I should just go.  But even knowing that, I would still feel guilty about missing work.  And what would I do if I was there?  Just sit there and, what?  My being there won’t help him get better.  I want to be there for him, but I also don’t want him to feel overwhelmed with people.

I don’t like hospitals.  I have the ability to feel other people’s emotions, so I can feel all the pain and sadness inside those walls.  I’m pretty good at blocking everyday stuff, but in a hospital it is just so overwhelming.  So I try to avoid hospitals and nursing homes.  My mom just thinks that I just don’t like them, which who does really, but it is so much more then that.  I sometimes get physically sick from all the emotion there.  It’s just to much.

Maybe I’ll go down and visit him this weekend.  Then I won’t miss any work, and I can spend some time with him.  I don’t want to miss out if this really is the end of his life, but I also don’t want to give him the impression that I’m there so he must be at death’s door.

So that’s what’s up.  I don’t know how much I’ll be posting.  I might be posting alot about nonsense stuff to take my mind off of it, or I might not post at all.  So please be patient.

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Posted by on June 26, 2008 in Family



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